This morning, I woke up blind.
All I could see were shimmering and pulsating black and white geometric patterns. Lots of squiggly lines. Even with my eyes closed, my vision was filled with them swirling around like a kaleidoscope. With my eyes wide open, I could faintly see some of the outlines of my bedroom coming through the patterned pulsating noise.
I thought, "Maybe it would fade in a few seconds as I wake up?" and felt my way to the sound of my alarm clock and turned it off. Then stumbled over to open up a window and looked outside. Nope. It wasn't improving. I could hardly make anything out. It wasn't dark, but just visual noise.
It reminds me of how it feels to look at those Ishihara Color Blindness tests. You can faintly see there's a shape that emerges out of the constellation of points, but it's not easy to perceive.
Kinda like that, but squiggles instead of dots, as if my visual field was a spattering of flashing noise with an inkling of shapes leaking in behind it.
So here's a break down of what I went through:
Observation
My first thought was:
Clearly something was wrong and I wasn't sure if it was serious or benign. Or whether I should consider going to the hospital or wait to see if it clears up.
I stood around for a minute blinking and paying attention to exactly what I was experiencing. One thing I noticed was that the "flashing" patterns in my vision were very easy to see. They were probably flashing around 5-10 times per second. I wondered if what I was seeing was my brain's refresh rate. I've been reading a lot about different meditation and mindfulness practices, and one of the skills of a concentrated mind is being able to perceive that the seemingly continous stream of your senses is actually made of individual little bursts that flicker in and out of consciousness, one at a time, one after another.
Then I thought about the fact that I can perceive the difference between 30 fps and 60fps videos easily. Thinking back to my neuroscience classes, I recall how different neurons are capable of firing at different rates. Some are slow and others are extremely fast. However the speed of signals going into the brain is not the same as the speed of subconscious and conscious processes. So it's possible that our eyes (and nervous system) can perceive things at high speed but our conscious minds might be operating at a much slower refresh rate of reality.
Anyways, back to business.
Panic
Will it go away? It's not going away. I'm blind!
Am I stuck like this? Should I call someone? How long should I wait before going to the hospital?
I don't have insurance. That ambulance ride I took in San Francisco was thousands of dollars.
Fuck hospitals. It's not like I'm actively dying right now anyways. I'm just blind, what are they gonna do? Take my blood, charge thousands of dollars for an MRI, and then tell me to follow up with a specialist in 3 months. Yeah, no, I'm not doing that.
What if I did die? I don't really have anyone checking up on me often. I'd hate for my neighbors to have to deal with a rotting corpse. I guess this is one benefit of working a job where your lack of presence is quickly noticed and investigated.
I won't be able to get a job or work again. I won't be able to manage my diabetes. Being homeless AND blind would suck!
Is this because of diabetes? I've had eye problems before in the past. I know many people end up blind because of poor glucose management. Although my management has been pretty good lately. If I had an eye problem, it would usually start with one eye only, but I'm currently blind in both eyes. This seems to be neurological.
Is this a stroke? From my diet? A blood clot? Retinal detachment? Some other illness? Multiple sclerosis and other autoimmune diseases can lead to blindness too. I have no idea!
What caused this?! What did I do yesterday that was different?
Reflection
Actually, I started noticing some weird eye flashes and eye symptoms a couple of days ago too.
Here are the main recent changes:
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Five days ago I started adding a lot of salad and vegetables with a stir fry mix (broccoli, carrots, water chestnuts, red peppers, onion, green beans, snow peas). It's super delicious but definitely has created some intestinal discomfort and gas and brain fog. I might be reacting to something in this.
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Two days ago I introduced adding quite a lot of extra virgin olive oil to my meals. The olive oil left my throat and entire insides burning. It also flared up a vicious acid reflux and had me nauseated all day long. I've had similar issues with olive oil in the past. I decided to stop yesterday after the 3rd failed trial with it at lunch. This is likely a contributing factor.
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Last night in particular I ate some pork rinds after dinner. I tried making keto cinnamon twists by mixing them with stevia and cinnamon. It wasn't as gross as you might think, but still not great. Pork rinds have almost always made me feel like garbage for some reason, and last night was no exception. I felt terrible afterwards. I've never been near blinded by them before, but this is the #1 culprit, and likely compounded on the olive oil body upset I was already experiencing.
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Yesterday I washed my clothes and bedsheets with a new lavender laundry detergent which gave me a headache. Unlikely, but can't be ruled out.
As I think back over the last decade, I've noticed similar strange vision disturbances before too. The weird flashing spots in my vision even led me to visit a university ophthalmology center a few years ago, but after a thorough examination they couldn't find much and shrugged their shoulders. I was eating a lot of olive oil and pork rinds back then as well. Every time I have pork I have a bad time and think that maybe the muslims and jews are really onto something.
Research
Thankfully, my vision slowly returned over the course of about an hour. Drinking some water especially seemed to bring it back faster. But it was replaced with a headache. Not too horrible, but not great. It feels similar to what post-seizures used to feel like for me in the past. It's like the brain had a cramp. At least now I could use my eyes to start doing some research.
The good news is that all of my symptoms line up perfectly with others who have "migraines with visual aura." I was surprised but relieved to read other's experiences that sounded exactly like what I went through. Many of them talk about food, smells, and stress being their triggers.
The bad news is that many migraine auras have the same presentation as transient ischaemic attacks (TIA) or "mini-strokes". So there is some due caution to be had here, especially since I have type 1 diabetes. UW Medicine has a great video: Migraine Aura or Stroke? How to Tell the Difference. The shimmering spots simulation in the video are especially accurate. I've dealt with them for years and just assumed it was eye damage from diabetes. I'm surprised none of my doctors caught this but they actually have a name: scintillating scotoma.
So I've probably been having migraines with auras all these years and had no idea. I always thought migraines were just really awful headaches with light/sound sensitivity, but now that I have all the symptoms laid out in front of me, I'm having one of those "Ohhhhh..." realizations.
I'm keeping an eye on things for now and will be paying close attention to my migraine symptoms now that I know what to look for. Ideally I could get some of the key cardio and neuroimaging studies done, but they cost thousands of dollars out of pocket even after all the sliding scale discounts.
I unfortunately can't enroll into my state's marketplace health insurance until Nov 1st, and even then it wouldn't kick in until the new year. So hopefully I can get a job soon and once I get insurance again I'll definitely get screened for both migraines and strokes. Of course I will also go to the ER if my life is truly in danger.
Job Hunting
I've been applying to jobs every day. Some of them near, some far. Every job I apply to I end up imagining what it would look like to live my life with that job. I find myself going onto home rental sites to find potential neighborhoods and walk around them in Google Streetview, checking out local parks, and places I can walk to and shop for groceries. It's pretty fun and gets me excited. At the same time I really dislike moving.
I don't think I've ever gotten a job from just applying. It's almost always been me connecting with someone in the company and then if they like me, that conversation leads to more conversations. LinkedIn has a nice feature where they sometimes show you who the recruiter / manager is for a specific position. I'll usually reach out to say hello and stand out, but so far, total silence. It's disheartening, but this seems to be the expected grind in the current market. I'm at least glad to have gotten started now.
Under Pressure
I never understood how some people got addicted to Instant Pots. Every time I would move apartments I would throw mine out because I never used it, only to buy it again at some point because some specific recipe called for one.
I'm on my 3rd Instant Pot now and I decided to try using it for my ground beef burgers to break down more of the chewy gristle and collagen in them. It makes meat extremely tender and juicy. What the heck? Why is it so good? Some people probably don't like the meat loaf / salisbury steak flavor meat takes on from it, but that's exactly why I love it. I also used it for chicken wings (airfry them after to crisp them up) and they were perfect and fall-off-the-bone juicy. I'm hooked.
Song of the Week
I love songs that have a puzzle or story contained within them. This one, "74" by Itoki Hana, is especially fun. I recommend reading along with the english lyrics on screen.
It was also composed by Toby Fox, the creator of the game Undertale and its popular soundtrack which both have a cult following online.
Thanks for reading :)
-Jason