I am currently in the "I don't want to do this" stage of my self-employment journey.
The only thing that interests me right now is having enough money to pay the bills. The dwindling savings is taking a much larger toll on my psyche than I would have expected. Sudden expenses appear and my timeline gets shorter and shorter. It hurts. I knew from the start that I probably wouldn't make it with so little runway. The job market is very poor right now as well, which adds more pressure. If I had 5 different jobs lined up ready to go, I'd feel a lot more confident.
There comes a point where the subconscious motivational engine says it's time to focus on other things. Any effort that is put towards something that I don't feel is a good use of my time will give rise to irritation. Then there is the "But wait!" part of me that cautions me of giving up too early and wants to see things through towards some more final conclusion.
Pathways
If there's one thing that gives me a sense of freedom in my life, it's that I can always change the path I'm on whenever I want. I've gotten into a habit of totally throwing my hands up whenever I'm not happy with how life is going and just switching gears to go in entirely new directions.
In my career I've gone from:
→ Engineering student
→ Mountain yogi
→ Neuroscientist
→ Data scientist
→ AI therapist
→ Whatever the heck I am now
In my spiritual life I've gone from:
→ Christian
→ Atheist
→ New Age
→ Buddhist
→ Whatever the heck I am now
In my diet I've gone from:
→ Standard American
→ Low Carb
→ Plant-based
→ Animal-based
→ Whatever the heck I am now
Rarely are these transformations done with some pre-defined purpose or intention. In fact, most of them happen with great trepidation. However they have almost always come about as a result of solving some kind of puzzle that life presents to me.
So here I am at a new crossroads with a new puzzle. And I do love puzzles. In this case, it's a mix between practical and philosophical.
Cilantro
On a practical level, them bills gotta get paid, so I'm just going to start ramping up my job search soon. But I have no idea what I want to do... OR DO I?!
On a philosophical level, it is often in the very act of looking for an answer that the answer can be found. But... how do I "know" when I've found the answer? What is it that "knows" that the answer IS the answer?
It seems like it's kind of like "knowing" whether or not you will like a particular food you've never tried before. How agreeable the flavor/texture is to your palette is already pre-programmed within you, a kind of automatic answer already baked directly into your nervous system. The moment you taste it, you have little control over the positive or negative perceptions that follow.
I'm one of those genetic lottery winners who has an aversion towards cilantro. There have been many foods throughout my life that I have been able to gain a 'taste' for, but cilantro is just one of those things I can't seem to crack.
Here's one of my many (unsuccessful) attempts to enjoy cilantro at a Taqueria in San Jose, CA a few years ago:
Paradox
This leads us to Meno's Paradox, also called "The Paradox of Inquiry".
This paradox states that when trying to find the answer to non-empiracle questions like "What do I want to do with my life?":
-
If you know the answer to the question, then asking about and searching for the answer is unnecessary.
-
If you don’t know the answer, then searching for it will be impossible since you will never recognize the answer as 'right'.
-
Therefore, either you know or you don't, so the very act of searching for an answer is either unnecessary or impossible.
Plato’s solution to this paradox is that we already have the answers within us to such questions, and arriving at an answer is a matter of retrieving them from within. Thus, inquiry is necessary not because you don't know the answer, but because you have forgotten, and you will recognize the answer as correct when you are confronted with it.
Song of the Week
Thanks for reading :)
-Jason